Jeremy Clarkson, the 65-year-old titan of British motoring and agricultural television, has never been known for a quiet exit. According to recent disclosures regarding his end-of-life arrangements, his final departure from the “earthly paddock” will be no exception. The Clarkson’s Farm star has unveiled a funeral strategy designed to cause maximum havoc, specifically targeting his long-suffering former Top Gear colleagues, James May and Richard Hammond.

Following a harrowing health scare last year—during which doctors informed the presenter he was “days from death” due to severely blocked arteries—Clarkson has turned his characteristic wit toward the “unbelievably complicated” business of dying in the 21st century.

The 23-Minute Musical Marathon

Central to Clarkson’s plot to be “seriously inconvenient” from beyond the grave is the musical selection for his service. Eschewing traditional hymns, Clarkson intends to force mourners to sit through the entirety of the 1972 progressive rock epic “Supper’s Ready” by Genesis.

Clocking in at a grueling 23 minutes, the track is the longest in the band’s discography. The Peter Gabriel-penned odyssey features surrealist references to the Book of Revelation, “Winston Churchill in drag,” and the “Guards of Magog.” By insisting on the full playback, Clarkson ensures that his final audience will be held captive in a state of prog-rock-induced bewilderment for nearly half an hour.

Bequests of Irritation: Cows and Trousers

The “Jezzacalypse” continues with the distribution of his estate. In a move of surgical pettiness, Clarkson revealed he plans to leave certain friends exactly 20 pence in his will—not because he is short on funds, but to ensure they know he “didn’t forget about them,” but simply chose to leave them nothing of value.

However, his most creative “parting gifts” are reserved for the trio that defined a generation of automotive television:

• For James May (63): Clarkson intends to bequeath “Captain Slow” a live cow. When asked for the reasoning behind the livestock legacy, Clarkson noted that any gift to May “needs to be something he’d find irritating.” Given May’s penchant for order and technical precision, a large, unpredictable bovine represents the ultimate logistical nightmare.

• For Richard Hammond (56): To the 5ft 6in “Hamster,” the 6ft 5in Clarkson plans to leave “all my trousers.” The bequest highlights the nearly foot-long height difference between the two, ensuring Hammond is left with a wardrobe of denim that he could theoretically use as a series of sleeping bags.

A Brush with the “Checkered Flag”

The somber yet satirical planning follows a genuine crisis last year. Clarkson was rushed to the hospital with a suspected heart attack, which was later diagnosed as significant arterial blockage. Reflecting on the experience in his Sunday Times column, he noted that one artery was “completely blocked” and a second was “heading that way.”

While an ECG and subsequent surgery cleared the immediate danger, the brush with mortality has clearly sharpened Clarkson’s focus on his legacy. If these plans are any indication, the “King of the Cotswolds” intends to exit the world exactly as he lived in it: loud, controversial, and deeply annoying to James May.