The Clarkson’s Farm finale is so stressful I wouldn’t be surprised if Jeremy called it quits
As the fourth series of the former Top Gear host’s rural reality show draws to an end, it’s clear that Clarkson is struggling to keep up.
Over at the upcoming penultimate episode of Clarkson’s Farm series 4, we find Jeremy Clarkson in a country pub. He’s agitated, red-faced and sweaty, and swinging a hefty sledgehammer around the joint.
No, he isn’t in the midst of another hangry bout of gastro rage after discovering that the chef has only a cold meat platter available. He’s in his own establishment this time, and he’s merely helping the builders clear the way ahead of the construction of a brand new bar.
However, it would be fair to say he is channelling a fair bit of anger and frustration through the handle of that hammer. His ambitious plan to have his new business venture, The Farmer’s Dog, revamped and reopened in a ludicrously short timeframe has inevitably hit one or ten major snags.
That’s bad news for Clarkson’s blood pressure, of course. It would appear he has, of late, lost all his mirth, admitting: “Everything I’d normally find funny is winding me up.”
It’s fantastic news for Clarkson’s Farm viewers though — particularly those who have been claiming this series has been lacking in drama and action. Under very real pressure, Clarkson is back to his irascible and truculent best in this final double-bill, which drops on Prime Video on Friday.
He’s barking orders and voicing his disdain at anyone unlucky enough to cross his path. He’s so grumpy that at one point where he loses his temper in the pub and yells: “Have we only got one barstool in here?!” The only surprise is that no one mutters “Yes. And his name is Jeremy.”
I can also reveal that at least one of the people on the team threatens to kick him in the b******s. Sadly, the strict embargo under which I’m being allowed to write this piece dictates that you’ll have to guess who that is for now.
By the way, I don’t include myself in those who have been chuntering online about this current series. It was a slow starter for sure, but I always knew the tension would begin to ramp up the closer we got to the pub’s proposed opening day over the August bank holiday.
Not least because late summer can also be a rather busy time when you’re a farmer who is anxiously waiting for the sun to come out for long enough for you to harvest your crops before they rot.
That said, I didn’t think things would become quite this tense. This final pair of episodes are like a cross between the frantic last few minutes of a DIY SOS special and a series finale of Kiefer Sutherland’s real-time spy drama 24. The clock is ticking — literally on the screen at times — and Clarkson does not appear to have enough hours in the day.
Watching him drive around the Cotswolds airing his mammoth to-do list is almost as stressful as watching New York gangster Henry Hill driving across Long Island during the climactic scene of Goodfellas. Admittedly, Clarkson doesn’t have a stash of unlicensed guns to get rid of or several kilos of cocaine to cut and bag before dinner — not in the preview version Amazon gave me, at any rate.
However, the stakes — and indeed the steaks — are almost as high. If it all goes wrong, Clarkson could end up losing some serious money. The surprising thing is just how deeply you find yourself getting caught up in all the drama — especially given the fact that you know that it all happened almost a year ago and that everything turned out well in the end.
In fact, by now the project has probably already surpassed Clarkson’s wildest dreams. The Farmer’s Dog is such a busy tourist destination these days they’ll no doubt soon be changing its name to JezzoLand or Jezzington World Of Adventures.
It’s so difficult to secure a booking in the pub’s restaurant right now, I hear they are throwing in a pair of Oasis tickets with each main course. (N.B. If any ticketless Oasis fans are reading this, I should clarify that that was a joke.)
Of course, that success is due in no small part to the incredible reach and popularity of this TV series. In the latest official consolidated viewing figures, Clarkson’s Farm actually toppled Britain’s Got Talent to claim the No. 2 spot behind Race Across The World. As we speak, Simon Cowell is no doubt scouring the countryside for a suitable small holding in which to invest and checking whether you can buy wellies with a six-inch Cuban heel.
If he is, he would struggle to create something as wonderful and engaging as Clarkson’s Farm. The characters are now as familiar and as popular as those in your favourite soap opera, and it can only be a matter of time before we see one of them on the Strictly dancefloor or in Ant & Dec’s jungle.
No wonder some fans have been complaining that Prime Video only gives us eight episodes a year. I’m guessing Amazon would love to deliver more than that, and there’s probably now enough going on across Clarkson’s firm to fill a few extra episodes per series without the quality suffering. Unfortunately, that would all depend on the main man staying willing and able.
Clarkson has already come out and said that he thinks the fifth series could well be the last. If that’s because his recent heart scare has forced him to reassess his workload, then, obviously, everyone would understand that.
However, I’d much prefer to interpret his statement as a negotiating tactic aimed at squeezing as much cash out of Amazon as he can. It’s not like Jeff Bezos can’t afford it. Encouragingly, Clarkson did admit he could be tempted into carrying on “if there was a reason for doing it, like a bloody good story.”
If that’s the case, maybe he should look a few miles north-east for inspiration. I’m told the Soho Farmhouse members club and hotel does a roaring trade with punters who want to enjoy the British countryside for a few days.
Just imagine that, Jezza: A locally-sourced Full English on the breakfast menu, local beers in the members’ bar, Lisa’s toiletry range in every bathroom, a Richard Ham cuddly toy on every pillow…
I’m sure West Oxfordshire District Council would come around to the idea eventually.